The Climb

Although the months of March and April were filled with sadness and silence, the month of May brought me a realization that this wasn’t my forever. (Thanks to good friends for reminding me of that one!) The words I started living by helped give me the strength to begin and continue my climb out of the ruins I had fallen deep into. Come to think of it, my entire journey has been about me climbing up out of my situation. Miley Cyrus sings one of my all-time favorite inspirational songs, The Climb. She says it all when she sings, “It’s all about the climb!” I knew deep down I was learning from my almost TWO year journey. Each and every day I was learning. But my mind was distorted trying to get to the end and not wanting to focus on what I was learning throughout the climb. Trust me when I say this, the voice inside my head often said I’d never get there.

But things change. Sometimes for the worst. Sometimes for the better. The climb is truly what it’s all about. I had slid to rock bottom by the end of April, but I was adamant about climbing out of it before the end of May! I had to. The month of May was going to be filed with excitement and hope. My son was graduating from college and my daughter from high school. I was overwhelmed with mom pride. That definitely helped me on the climb out. Although my faith was a little shaky the months before, I knew I had to keep trying. I had to find the strength. The physical and mental strength I once had.

As the month of May rushed by, I worked hard physically and mentally. Even though I was still in my boot, I was accepting of it more and more. After all, at least I didn’t have to be on crutches anymore. (See, I was trying to be positive.) I meditated, used mindfulness, and stayed as relaxed as I could. I continued with desensitizing methods, physical therapy and sensory therapy. Despite still being in pain, I turned the frustration about my situation into exciting talks about upcoming events. My attention turned to the words “it’s not about how fast I get there.” I was in a hurry to be pain free, but my babies were growing up, and I was definitely not in a hurry for that. I didn’t want to miss any part of this excitement.

My next doctor’s appointment went just as others had before. “Wow, your scar looks great! Look how good it is healing.” The doctor, once again, went on and on about how my ankle looked so good! When would it sink into his head that I DIDN’T CARE ABOUT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE! I just wanted the pain to go away. He reminded me that he removed a nerve, so I shouldn’t have pain. I again reminded him that there is more than one nerve in an ankle/foot. (I really should be an MD by now, right?!) He asked me to be patient. OMG….REALLY. I’m tired of being patient! The nurse then told me that nerve regeneration can cause serious pain for quite a while. WHAT? Then why was the doctor telling me I shouldn’t have any pain? The struggle with communication was starting to knock me down.  BUT…I wasn’t about to break. Remember, I had a renewed sense of faith, hope and strength.

And so I went home, put my big girl panties on and went straight to the pool. That was the one positive about the appointment. The doctor had given me permission to start pool therapy. WOOHOO I knew getting in the pool would help relieve some of my adrenaline, which in turn, would help me physically and mentally. After that appointment, I took every opportunity I had to get in the pool. It wasn’t running, walking, or yoga, but it was something. It was just what I needed to help me climb even closer to the top of the ruins.

Good news alert…by the middle of May, the severe burning I had been experiencing had started to dull. It had settled mostly in my ankle and was no longer spreading all the way up my left side. I silently enjoyed it as I didn’t want to jinx anything. The sensitivity to touch was also getting better. For the first time in almost two years, someone could touch my ankle/foot without me wanting to scream and lash out at them. This was great because it helped me sleep better. Despite the dulled burning and sensitivity, I still had the ice cold, deep ache to the bone pain. And I was still in my boot. My new mantra about strength kicked in here. I hung onto the positives. I could now get in the pool. The burning had dulled. My ankle wasn’t as sensitive. I was still alive. All the more reason to continue my climb upward. I had to keep pushing forward.

By the end of May, I was inching closer to the top of the ruins. (No more struggle bus for me.) My kids had graduated. I made it through having to wear my boot with a dress. (It wasn’t at all attractive!)  Although I still had some very high pain days, I tried with all my might to focus on the low pain days. My mindset was slowly changing. I’d have to eat crow if I said that removing my nerve helped the burning, but I honestly think it did. (Crow doesn’t taste very good!) I still had a lot of climbing to do, but I felt I was on the right track to get there. Ms. Cyrus sings, “There’s always going to be another mountain” and an “uphill battle” to face. I was now more equipped than ever to continue my climb to the other side. Although my pain wasn’t totally gone, I was now more hopeful than ever.