Someone once said to me, “Don’t let your emotions make your decisions.” At the time, that saying made perfect sense to me. If I was scared or afraid of something, I realized that fear shouldn’t necessarily hold me back from taking a chance or making a decision. During the two years leading up to now, I had only been able to make a few decisions about my care. Nonetheless, each decision took a lot of thought and research. It was my health and well-being I was deciding about, after all. That meant I needed to be certain and confident of what I was deciding. Unfortunately, these last few years have been an emotional roller coaster for me. Because of that, I was very meticulous about these decisions.
Once the new doctor told us he could remove the nerve neuroma with no problems, I had to decide if I wanted to have the surgery done. Supposedly, this surgery wouldn’t be as invasive as my tendon repair surgery. In fact, the doctor said he wouldn’t need to cut into much of my old incision and that I would probably be walking out of surgery wearing a boot. (Now that’s my kind of surgery!) Everything he said sounded great. I still had A LOT of concern about him cutting into my CRPS foot/ankle as any surgery could cause the pain to spread to other parts of my body. That frightened me. But…he was very confident it would be a simple surgery and easy recovery.
Steve and I agreed that going ahead with the surgery was what I needed to do. Although my emotions were telling me no, (because I was scared and nervous) we felt it would be best for me to try it. Immediately after meeting with the doctor, we met with the surgery coordinator. Here’s where the next lemon comes into play. She was getting off the phone as we walked into her office. After sitting down, she explained to us the person on the phone was calling to cancel his surgery for the next day. She asked if I wanted that appointment and said the next available opening was in two and a half weeks. HOLY COW! That’s quick. How could I make a decision like this that fast? My heart started racing, the burning in my foot started spreading up my leg, and my palms started sweating. My emotions were telling me no, don’t do it. That’s too fast. My mind and Steve were telling me just get it over with.
Steve looked at me, we talked, and then we told her I’d take it. WHAT?? When I agreed to the surgery, I thought I’d have at least a few days to process the decision and mentally prepare. With hesitation, I agreed to take the opening as I realized nothing had ever gotten approved that fast. NOTHING! There was no way surgery would happen tomorrow. No way! There were only 1½ hours left in the working day, and it had to be approved by the day’s end. (I actually laughed quietly to myself and started to relax a bit.) We left the office and headed home.
Within 15 minutes of us leaving the office, I received a phone call. Did you read that??? 15 minutes. The surgery had been approved, and I was scheduled to go in the next day at 9:30 am. Once again, I was speechless. SHOCKED, really. How could I be mentally ready for this? My emotions were saying no, no, no. I kept telling myself to relax, just relax. Breath in, breath out. It took the entire car ride home from Kansas for me to accept that this was really happening. Once home, I was able to start processing the fact I was going to have another surgery. Surgery in less than 24 hours.
Ultimately, I guess it was good I didn’t let my emotions make the decision. I knew if I didn’t at least try this, I would always be questioning the choice I made. However, after surgery, I didn’t feel the same way. It’s sad how those of you reading my blog could probably figure out things didn’t go as planned. Nothing could be that easy, right?
Inside Invisible Illness 