Now What?

Time is an interesting thing.  When I was younger, it seemed to go by so slow. I always felt like the days droned on and on never coming to an end. It moved as slowly as a sloth! (I’ve always wanted to write that!) S. l. o. w. l. y. Now that I’m older, it feels like time propels forward at the speed of light.  There’s just not enough time in the day to do what needs to get done.  It’s always go, go, go, and go!  Anyone else feel like that? Of course, after my injury, time slowed down again and started moving at a snail’s pace. This was hard because I was in a rush to get better and get back to school.  Time was not!

Resigning from teaching was even harder than that.  As you’ve read before, teaching wasn’t just a job to me. It was my second career and honestly my hobby. I loved every single minute of being in the classroom, planning, building relationships, etc. (Of course, I didn’t like the stress that came along with it or the pressure I put on myself.) Nonetheless, every morning I’d get up excited to start my day. My enthusiasm gave me the energy and desire to want to make a difference.  Some would say I was too much of a morning person. You know who you are! But I was happy. There were very few days I dreaded going to school. (The before school and after school meeting days were one of those days I dreaded!) Teaching was what made time move forward for me.  It was part of what made me go, go, go.  It was my purpose aside from being a wife and mother. It made time go by fast!

During the 15 months before I resigned, I was dealing with extreme physical pain, but my mind was also in a difficult conundrum. Torn between being at school and at home. Feeling guilty about not being at school. Feeling guilty I wasn’t home trying to get better. Feeling guilty about not putting my work and the students first. Feeling guilty about not putting myself and family first. Feeling guilty about how I couldn’t handle the CRPS pain. Guilty! Guilty! Guilty! I felt there was nothing I could do to make everyone happy. Nothing! Time was, undeniably, moving at a snail’s pace. Quit honestly, it was the slowest, loneliest 15 months of my life.

After those 15 months, I realized it was time to get rid of the stress the conundrum was causing me. It was time to put myself first. (Say what?) Resigning would mean I wouldn’t have those stressors to worry about anymore. I wouldn’t have the feelings of guilt, failure, or letting people down. Although I felt a sense of relief after resigning, I wondered what I’d do with my time and myself now. Nonetheless, I realized that letting go of teaching was the right thing for me to do. I was at peace with my decision. I was ready to put myself first. Now I just needed to figure out what that would look like.

The first several days after resigning I kept asking myself, “Now what?” I was back home within my four walls. (This is going to sound negative, but it was how I was feeling at that time.) I didn’t have a school family anymore. I didn’t have a daytime purpose. I wasn’t working towards going back to my classroom. I was at home during the day. Alone. I had more time on my hands than I have ever had before. Although that was true, I was still dealing with pain. And along with pain comes stress. (Guess you can never get rid of that!) It took me a few weeks to get used to working on myself and learning to be still. (I am still working on that!) My end in mind had changed. I was no longer working on getting back to my classroom. I was working on myself and getting better.

The next several months brought more and more appointments. I quickly realized that going to those appointments was part of my purpose.  And although I didn’t like what I learned at most of them, it got me out of the house. My hope was that at one of those appointments, I would hear about a “magic” something or other that would make me feel better. I’m still waiting patiently for that magic to come my way. Someday I know it will!