May 9, 2017 arrived. The day wasn’t any different than other appointment days. As always, I was anxious, sleep deprived, and ready for all the questions. For the past several weeks, I had experienced a decrease in pain level. (Hooray!) Having days with pain levels of three and four was AH-MAZING! Physical therapy was helping tremendously and being home from work helped me stay relaxed and focused on myself. Although I still didn’t like sitting at home, I felt I was making progress. Nonetheless, I was still nervous.
Steve and I sat patiently while we waited for the doctor to come into the room. There were so many thoughts in my mind. I was playing the “WHAT IF” game. (Anyone familiar with that game?) What if he says he can’t help me anymore? What if he says I need to have surgery? What if he says I need another cortisone shot? What if? What if? My mind was playing ping pong in my head. Back and forth and back and forth. Then the doctor walked in.
I wasn’t prepared for what he said. Nor was I ready to accept it. After checking my ankle and discussing my pain levels, he said he liked the progress I was making. He was ready to surgically repair my torn tendon. The ping pong game going on in my head got faster and faster. I could no longer see the ball going back and forth. All I saw was a blur. Here was yet another decision I needed to make. Surgery or no surgery? One would think I’d want surgery since, after all, I had a torn tendon. But I worried it would increase my CRPS pain. And I didn’t want that. At all!
We left the appointment with a lot to discuss. I had to decide what to do. Honestly, I really shouldn’t have been shocked about this news. I knew it might come eventually. Somehow, though, the journey I’d been on had set me up for doubt and lack of confidence in the system. Things were never approved in a timely manner. Appointments and medications were hard to get. I was just another “number” in the system getting passed from one doctor to the next. I had no control of the system. But I did have control of this.
After a lot of talking and reasoning, I decided to go ahead with the surgery. Actually, I put it in God’s hands. I knew this would be risky and could cause the CRPS to flare and spread, but maybe fixing the tendon would help? (The thought of anyone cutting on my CRPS foot send burning lava up my entire left side.) Once I let the “system” know I wanted to have surgery, I waited. In the back of my mind, I knew it would take two or three weeks to get it approved and then another two to three weeks to get it scheduled. I decided if it took that long, I would back out and continue with physical therapy and find another option. Going back to work the following school year was very important to me. I didn’t want this to prevent that.
Better sit down for this one… Within TWO hours, the surgery was approved, and an appointment was scheduled for the following Monday. Say what??? Did you read that? TWO HOURS! I witnessed God’s work in action as I knew this was a sign for me to go forward with the surgery. My mind was still playing ping pong, but my heart was thanking God for sending me the message. There was a sense of calmness that came over me even though the burning lava had filled my entire left side.
May 15, 2017 was surgery day. I had five days to prepare. As these days plodded along, I worked on mentally preparing for the surgery and polishing my crutches. (Just kidding!) Thank goodness Steve cooks because I wouldn’t have known what to do to prepare dinners ahead of time. The bright side of me envisioned the surgery going well, the CRPS pain disappearing, me teaching again, and me running in the bright sunlight! The dark side of me, well, let’s just say it wasn’t as confident. I was anxious to find out which side would win!
Inside Invisible Illness 