As Aristotle once said, “It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light.” For me, the months leading up to March 2017 were filled with thoughts of anger, sadness, and guilt! I was angry about my pain. (Seriously, MAD!) I was sad because I didn’t feel like my normal self. I felt guilty because I wasn’t at school and wasn’t doing the things I wanted to for my family. But in that darkness, I couldn’t let myself lose sight of the light. I held onto the hope that there, indeed, was light at the end of this journey. Each day I attended PT and proved to myself I was getting stronger. This helped me keep my eye on the prize. Getting back to school!
Here’s something to ponder. Does it seem funny to anyone that my prize was getting back to school and not to start feeling better? At this point in my life, I wanted to believe I could work through the pain. After all, isn’t that what we’ve all been taught? As a runner, that’s what I believed. Once you’ve reached the “wall,” just keep going and work through the pain. As a teacher, if you just pushed through, you’d be fine, right? I really didn’t understand why the pain from CRPS was taking over my body, but I still believed I could work through it if I just got back to school.
Good news is I made it through February 2017! Working hard at PT while keeping focused on a possible surgery and my return to work kept me somewhat busy. (For me anyway!) The last day of February arrived and so did my appointment. I didn’t have any control over the doctor or his decisions, and that made me nervous. (You’ve heard that before!) I was honest with the doctor in regards to my pain. Some days were bad and there were others that weren’t as bad. My triggers still caused an increase in burning/achy pain, but I felt stronger. Unfortunately, the strength didn’t really bring down the pain. The sensitivity in my foot/ankle was, however, getting better.
The doctor was pleased with the decrease in my sensitivity but felt my nerves were still too aggravated to consider surgery. He decided to give me a cortisone shot to calm my nerves and wanted me to continue with PT 3 times a week. He then said…wait for it…wait for it…“You can return to work.” WOOHOO I was going back to work and was in seventh heaven if only for a moment. The next words he said came out slowly and softly and hit me like a ton of bricks. “I’m going to release you to work TWO hours a day for the next three weeks.” Now that was a new one for me. A teacher working only two hours a day when the school day is over seven. How in the world would that even work? It took me quite a while to wrap my head around it. Even to this day, I struggle with how that is even possible.
Nonetheless, it was something. Maybe it was just the little bit of light I needed to continue pushing through. Maybe there was a more significant reason I was only given two hours. God knew what he was doing. I see that now. But at the time, it made no sense to me. The plan (you know I love that) was for me to start work on March 1st. I had the rest of the day to make the phone calls I needed and mentally and physically prepare for my return. Even if for only two hours, I was going to make the best of it. I couldn’t wait to see the kids and create a plan of action with administration. By the end of that day, I was buzzing about my return. Happiness took over my heart while worry took over my mind.
This was, after all, what I wanted. It was my end in mind. To return to school. To be with my students on our island! You know how minds can be, though. They can take an exciting moment and turn it into a tragic dilemma. At least that’s what mine does. How would this work? What were people going to say? What would my students say? Why do I let the dark thoughts defeat my happiness? I should have been proud of all the work I had done to get stronger and how I had been at home taking care of myself. In reality, though, I was still in pain. I worked to get my mind focused on the positive. Surely going back to school would bring more joy to my life. Getting me out of the house, being around my peers and my students would be better for me anyway! I knew I could do it. I, at least, had to try. That evening I went to bed feeling more excited than I had been in a long, long time. The next day couldn’t come soon enough. It was happening.
I WAS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!
Inside Invisible Illness 