The Words

August 22, 2016.  I will NEVER forget that day or the words the doctor said to me.  Those words were just about as excruciating as my pain.  “I’m pulling you off work starting today!” he said, implying I would be okay with that.  I wasn’t; even though I knew I was struggling with teaching and being in pain.  Hearing those words hit me hard. Left me speechless. How could I not be at school every day? Didn’t he know the beginning of the year is the most important time for a class and teacher?  Teachers can’t just be gone from school for two or more weeks!  Why didn’t he understand that?

Usually, my response to most things is to talk and ramble on about it.  This time was different.  I couldn’t find the words to express what I was feeling.  My brain shut down, and I literally fell apart!  Once again, Steve swooped in to reason with me.  Of course, it was going to be okay in his mind. After two weeks, I’d go back to the doctor and everything would go back to the way it should be.  Until then, someone would fill in for me, teach the kids beginning of the year procedures exactly as I would, and when I returned it would be as if I was never gone.  But I tend to overthink so many things and, in my mind, it was the end of the world.  (Maybe a bit of hyperbole there!)  But, this not only affected me, it affected students, parents, and the staff at my school.

After working to get through my shocked, silent demeanor, Steve was able to help me put the words I needed together. I was scared, worried and felt like a failure.  I didn’t know how it would work, but he was right, I needed to let it go, calm down and take a few more weeks to try to feel better. SAY WHAT?  I agreed with him? Although this was true, I wasn’t sure how to do those things. Especially when it came to school, my classroom, and my students! I had this sneaky suspicion that a few more weeks might turn into so much more.  After all, there’s no cure for CRPS, but I had a plan.  Two weeks.  Just two weeks of letting it go and staying calm and healing. Easy, right?  Not so much.

I made it through telling those who needed to know what the doctor had said. Everyone reassured me it would be okay.  It was just hard for me to accept.  I love being on my island at school with my students and missing out on the first few weeks of school was, to say the least, very disappointing.  Kids are resilient, though.  So much more than adults or at least me.

The next few weeks droned on; it was hard to stay completely away from being involved with the classroom. I did my best to keep my mind off the pain and off of school, but my best wasn’t enough.  With each day that passed, I became more doubtful my two week plan was going to work.  It’s not like I was being negative, I was just trying to be honest with myself.  But, the Stephanie I’ve always known bounces back like a boomerang.  So my plan continued to be in two weeks, I’d be as good as new and back with my students on our island. With each marking off of a day, I got closer and closer to what I thought would be my return.