So there’s this…most of us have done it a time or two. We all do it differently. Some blurt out derogatory comments. Others shake their head or give a dirty look. Some even whisper to others. Some try not to look and tell their brain to stop. Sometimes unintentional. Sometimes purposeful. It’s human nature. JUDGING. While it’s okay for us to form our own opinion, the problem lies in how we use non-verbal and verbal cues to turn it into judgement. That summer I started giving judgement the power to make me feel a certain way.
I was lucky enough to have Sammi at home during the day while I couldn’t drive. She continued to be my driver, carting me around town. Venturing out of the house was a big deal, and it was something I looked forward to when feeling up to it. The first several times I was able to venture out, I had my leg brace on which indicated to people there was something wrong with me. It was visible. As the weeks progressed, I was able to remove the brace and crutch around without it. At that time, nothing was visible. Others just saw me with crutches. This was the first time I was a victim of negative judging. Or should I say the first time I was aware of it.
It was worse than when people would judge me for singing and dancing at an intersection while in Georgia. (My close band family will remember that.) Or singing at the top of my lungs while driving. (I always sound better in the car. You?) I didn’t mind that kind of judging because I was being myself. This time it was different. Picture this. A beautiful teenager (I’m biased) driving a car with a handicap tag pulling into a handicap parking spot. Teenager gets out, helps the passenger (Miss Stephanie) get out with her crutches, and proceeds to go inside. The two saunter into the store, get a motorized cart, and begin their shopping trip. (At Target, of course.) This is when I had the notorious aha moment.
I had no brace on at the time. There was no visible sign of injury. No scar, no scab, nothing. I just had my crutches. The looks I got from others that day were unforgettable. The whispers were noticeable. The judging was evident. It had begun. People who didn’t know me, were wondering why a seemingly fit person would be parking in a handicap spot and using a motorized cart which are both for those who need them. I get it. There are people who might take advantage of these things, but I wasn’t. I had crutches, wasn’t that enough? I quickly learned how it felt to be judged. Judged for using things I needed, without evidence of needing them. Little did I know it was just the beginning. I didn’t know what was ahead on my journey or that I had an invisible illness at that time. All I knew was I didn’t like how it felt to be stared at, whispered about or asked if I really needed to be using “that.”
What people didn’t see at the time was I was recovering from a broken leg. They also didn’t see the burning, achy pain in my foot and leg. My guess is these people didn’t mean anything by what they were doing. (I always try to see the good in people.) Then I began thinking. (Because that’s always worked in the past, right? NOT!) What was I going to do without my crutches? Maybe I liked them after all; I should start being nicer to them. Should I start putting my brace on when I leave the house? All these thoughts flooded my head. I started thinking more about it and decided right then and there I would ALWAYS make a conscious decision to have #judgefreeeyes. (I hope I’ve always had them.) Everyone deserves it. Whether you live with a visible or an invisible illness #judgefreeeyes matter, and I am thankful for my family and friends who live by this motto every day!
Inside Invisible Illness 